After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
