You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
