I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
