If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
