just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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