seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
where are you?
Hypothermia
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
