my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
