I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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