I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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