I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
