ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
