i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
When did angry sex become our thing?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
