So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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