I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
