How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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