so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
