Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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