Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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