I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced