in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
