I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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