Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
from now on my penis is your penis
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
