she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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