His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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