The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
