I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I can't turn off my feet"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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