I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
