ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
