I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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