there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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