I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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