you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
