i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
