i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
