last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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