I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I faked an abortion last night.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
