Michael Bay diarrhea
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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