you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
