I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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