Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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