you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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