k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
