Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
