I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
