I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
