I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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