After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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