I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Two words: blizzard sex
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
