It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
