I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
