I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
