we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize