youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
