I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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