Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
