I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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