you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
